


Two Man Army

by Brilliant_Piggy66



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: M/M, Singing, Song Lyrics, Song fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-05
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-12-11 13:09:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11715036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brilliant_Piggy66/pseuds/Brilliant_Piggy66
Summary: The Roadhog and Junkrat Rap by JT Machinima sang during a talent show in HQ.





	Two Man Army

Today was the worst of days Roadhog personally thought. Today, everyone decided to enjoy themselves and put on a little talent show, and of course, fucking Jamison haaaad to sign them up for it. Not only that but he had to sing. That’s right, sing. If he didn’t kill that stupid rat soon, he’d end up dying from fucking cardiac arrest. For now, he’d just enjoy the show the others put on. 

Roadhog guessed it wasn’t too bad at the same time, I mean Jamie loved to sing so it made him happy too in a way. He’d never tell anyone that though. Jamison had really practiced too, the little rat was really determined to remember his lines and he respected that. Roadhog turned his attention to the stage, watching Zarya lift more and more weight as people chanted her name. McCree did lasso tricks. Lucio showed off some roller skate tricks along with some of his new music. Roadhog looked over at Junkrat. The closer it got to their turn, the more fidgety and excited the rat boy got. 

Finally, they could get their bit over with. Roadhog trudged up to the stage, the floor vibrating after each thud. Jamison skittering right beside him. Everyone in the audience looked nervous, wondering what the two Junkers were planning when the beginning audio started, the beat very familiar to Mako.

“Uuuuh, dispatch we are in hot pursuit of two hostile fugitives. One immensely obese brute accompanied by a scrawny, peg-legged minion. Now, we have attempted peaceful negotiations here but-. Wait, we’re picking up something on another frequency, let me patch it through.”

Jamison jumps to his mic in excitement. “They call me Junkrat, I’m a violent rodent. I never use guns but I like explosives. I’ll stop the payload with my remote- click. It’s good news when I’ve said I’ve blown it!” Roadhog snorts in amusement. “I’m always laughing ‘cause I’m always joking’ swipe me right on Tinder because I’m smoookin’ hot!” Junkrat gave a wink to the crowd. “Probably ‘cause I’m a pyro, my hair’s on fire if you need a light though.” Junkrat elbows Roadhog and gives him a shit eating grin. “I think aiming is overrated. Dynamite and bombs are all I play with. It’s a perfect day for mayhem. Got a couple traps and it’s time a lay them.” Roadhog prepares for his cue. “I’ve always got a leg up mate, send ya sky high when the weathah’s great! That’s a rap, now that you all know me, show some love for my psycho Roadie!” Roadhog shoves Junkrat playfully.

“Shut up, Rat, I’m sick of your voice.” People in the audience flinch at the volume change. Junkrat pretends to be offended.

“I’m paying you well, you’ve got no choice. I’m a demo expert sorry if I’m a little WIRED!” Roadhog sighs at the joke.

“I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t hired.” Junkrat was visibly giddy to hear Roadhog’s part. “I live in the fast lane, I’m not a boar. I’m the hog the pigs never caught before. With a mask that you’ll never see me take off.” Roadhog hits his chest with his fist and lowers his voice even more. “Like Leatherface, straight outta’ Texas Chainsaw!” Junkrat is grinning ear-to-ear at this point. “Heavy weight champ, a wasteland hulk.” 

“I won’t fat same you! No need to sulk!” Roadhog pokes Junkrat’s chest, this was war now.

“I’m not a fatass, I’m on a bulk ya know. Shut up Mad Max, you’re in my Thunderdome.” Roadhog smiles underneath his mask as Junkrat looks a little nervous. “I hop on my Harley. Spread some anarchy.” 

“Fry these buggers like shrimp on tha’ Barbie!” Roadhog smiles.

“You mess with me, and I’ll ruin you worse than Junkrat just did to this verse.” Junkrat laughs and elbows Roadhog.

“Oh don’t take it so personally Roadhog!” Roadhog feigns anger.

“You just have to ruin everything.” Junkrat gives Mako finger guns.

“Well, I’ll agree on that one!” His manic laugh fills the stage. They begin to share Roadhog’s mic. 

“Counting down.”

“To detonation!”

“Hold your ground.”

“Eradication!” Roadhog is kinda enjoying this. 

“Look around.”

“It's devastation!”

“Lay to waste all of creation!” No one in the audience knew how to feel about the proud display of anarchy and crime.

“Light the fuse!”

“Lock and load.”

“Hit the juice!”

“We’re on the road.”

“The Rat and the Hog, one hell of a pair!” Roadhog takes this moment to flip off Jamison just to be childish as they went back to their own mics.

“We’re still not friends.”

“But we are gettin’ there!” Roadhog takes this moment to be dramatic and picks up Junkrat by the hem of his pants, getting close to his face.

“Really? ‘Cause this is hardly a start. You’re just an obnoxious body to guard.” With the unexpected move, Junkrat curls on himself like a kitten would and looks a little anxious being high off the ground.

“But the money we’re makin’, the riches we’re takin’, the bonds that we’ve made-” Roadhog cocks his head for effect.

“And the friendship we’re faking?” Roadhog drops the rat, luckily the kid lands on his feet. “You’re too loud and it’s pissing me off. You smell like roadkill and it’s making me cough!” There were little explosions showing on their screens. 

“Fire in the hole! Just saved your ass!” Roadhog is in actual disbelief when he sees the footage of Junkrat saving his hide. 

“Oh, damn. Thanks, I guess…” Roadhog shakes his head as if he were scolding Jamison. “Still without me, you would never win.” Junkrat narrows his eyes at Mako and points at him accusingly. 

“And who’s gonna help you one of your chins?!” Roadhog gave an honest laugh at the joke, the low chuckle rumbling through the chests of the front row.

“Okay Rat, I’ll give you that one.” Junkrat preened at his achievement, looking at the crowd.

“Look! I squeeze a laugh outta the fat one!” Roadhog could play this game. He grabbed a lunch bag off his belt.

“Here, take a burger, looks like you need it.” Junkrat actually looks grateful but decides to prod back.

“Thanks, Roadie, I’m surprised you didn’t eat it!” Jamison rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m only joking you’re used to taking flak.” Roadhog gives the smaller man a grin of his own.

“Hold your breath if you're taking cover at my back.” Jamison gawks at the crude humor. Their rapping basically improv at this point. Junkrat scrunches up his nose and plays along.  
“Oh God! Not the toxic fumes! That’s where the gas mask really comes in use!” Roadhog rolls his eyes.

“It’s for radiation and for preventing infection, that stank you smell is my indigestion.” Junkrat laughs.

“I could light a match by your ass, we’d all be on fire this entire match!” Roadhog rolls his eyes his aggravation showing.

“And while you pester us, the rest of us are workin’. You’re not a Junkrat you’re a worthless vermin!” Junkrat shrugs it off.

“Through defenses, I’m blowin’ holes! Who you gonna call for zone control?” Roadhog sighs, ruffling Jamison’s hair affectionately.

“Fine, but if you’re gonna help, be quiet.” Junkrat pats Roadhog’s large stomach.

“What’s on your meal plan I wanna try it!” Roadhog smiles.

“Double decker burgers, filet mignon, I’ll blow out your brains if you say bacon.” Roadhog says the last part with a finger gun towards the crowd, many of them flinching. Junkrat shuffles his feet looking at Mako.

“I guess that hits a little close to home.” Roadhog looks at his friend and shakes his head, ready to sing his part instead of rap.

“A little too close, you don’t even know…” The music shifts to something calmer and Roadhog looks off in the distance, remembering the past as he sang. Junkrat sat to next to him and listened. “I remember a field, where the piggies would graze, till the omnics came in and all our nation was raised.” Roadhog puts a hand to his chest. “Just thinkin’ of bacon is heartache, a piece of me died on that dark day…” The audience was solemn, they had never heard Roadhog talk about his past before. Roadhog looked at his feet. “Now I’m back on the road, with no family or friends, I ride my cycle alone, I guess this is how it ends…” Junkrat senses Mako’s distress and puts a hand on his shoulder. 

“But wherever you go I will follow, I’ll be by your side if you want so-” Roadhog looks at Jamison and smiles picking the rat up and setting him on his shoulder.

“When the rubble subsides.”

“And the debris sweeps away!”

“I’ll look into your eyes.”

“And I know what you’ll say.” Junkrat’s ears are very red.

“We’re a two man army.”

“Stirring up anarchy” Jamie is smiling like an idiot.

“All our foes will be fried up.” Roadhog is blushing behind his mask.

“Just like shrimp on the Barbie.” Roadhog bumps Junkrat with his leather snout.

“Hop on my Harley, I want you in my sidecar.” Junkrat tries not to mention the double entendre. 

“They’ve taken my leg, but it was you who took my heart!” Junkrat kicks his peg leg out and puts a hand to his chest for effect. Roadhog chuckles nervously.

“In a totally platonic way.” Junkrat is completely red.

“Well, yes that goes without saying.” There’s a pause. “This is sufficiently awkward…” Roadhog shrugs.

“Let’s continue our rampage.” The audio continues with video of Roadhog and Junkrat killing a group of Talon members, their blood splattering onto the camera and you hear Roadhog laugh as they beg for mercy.

The two stepped off stage, leaving everyone to wonder what they had just seen, what they had just heard. Leaving the pair backstage to their own devices. Roadhog looks over to Jamie, his pale face red as he looks down at his good foot. Roadhog sighs and lifts up his mask, bending down and kissing the smaller man on the cheek. 

“Good job, Jamie.” Junkrat beamed.


End file.
